Dissident Republican Group Only 8 More Drug Deals Away From 32 County Ireland

HOPES were raised among the Republican community today amid rumours that a dissident paramilitary organisation may be just 8 drug deals away from uniting the country and banishing the presence of an invading foreign body forever.

In a statement read out by the chief spokesperson for the Bona Fide Irish Republican Army, the 18-member army claimed that they had this whole 6-county occupation of the North ‘sorted’ once they manage to get a few more shipments of ecstasy onto the streets, and maybe intimidate like, 20 more small-time local dealers.

Northern Ireland, once the backdrop of a decades-long and incredibly bloody struggle between Loyalists and Republicans, has managed to remain relatively peaceful in recent years following diplomatic negotiations and ceasefire from both sides.

However the struggle for a united Ireland has continued to rage among dissident groups, with the fighting centred mostly in towns and cities hundreds of miles from the North, and largely revolving around the distribution of illegal narcotics and stolen goods.

The Bona Fide IRA (BFIRA) have made significant inroads towards the liberation of the occupied territories of the North, and may get the job done by Christmas if a few rats keep their mouths shut and do what they’re told.

“Ireland, and her sons, and her daughters, should be free of imperialistic oppression,” said a spokesperson for the BFIRA, dressed in military garb that he bought in the local Army Surplus shop.

“We are pleased to announce that we have managed to put the frighteners into 4 of the 6 main criminal gangs in our town, and now have a stranglehold on the distribution of E and cannabis, putting us one step closer to an Ireland our ancestors would be proud of”.

The BFIRA face stiff competition from the 9 other IRA-themed republican armies, all of whom want to be the ones to control the drug traffic in a unified 32 county Ireland.