WWN Guide To Getting Angry Online
WHILE for some this guide will be utterly useless as many have achieved a Zen-like ability to access their anger while online within seconds, others are not so lucky; read on for all you need to know on riling yourself up just for the craic:
Remaining rational is a fool’s errand if you want to make enraged headway while traversing the rough oceans of the world wide web. Think about what prevents you from throwing a conniption fit, is it reason, logic, being rational, basic knowledge on the various ideological principles at work across various subject matters? Well calm be damned, it’s time to abandon all those things, they’re just dragging you down.
It would be remiss of us not to point out that you must believe that while online you are always right while everyone else is a cunt. We wish there was a more delicate way of putting it, but the internet is for big boys.
Whatever you do, do not read anything in full, be it a comment, an article, a report, facts relating to a specific report, etc. The ability to have the restraint to read through something is dragging you down.
Make sure to reacquaint yourself with the plethora of highly offensive phrases out there, they will become invaluable when trying to maximise your anger while online. Has someone suggested that perhaps your opinion could do with being backed up by citing specific research, evidence or facts? Well, I guess they’re a cock-gobbling jizz-fiend or better yet perhaps having sex with them is like throwing a hot dog down the world’s largest hallway.
It is always helpful to picture the object or your ire as Miss Neville, your Maths teacher from 5th class who told you that you had all the intelligence of a blackboard duster. Whether they be the author of an article, the star of a video, or simply a commenter – use miss Miss Neville’s big stupid head as a conductor for your hate. That bitch.
Show no mercy: a heartwarming video showing a child’s first step? Try this on for size; “stupid fucking child lording it over all the kids who are in wheelchairs. Some of them will never walk again, show some sensitivity.’ Let that righteous and mostly unresolved angry manifest itself until it consumes you whole.
Some of you may have to ‘fake it until you make it’ and that’s okay as a recent survey revealed over 80% of people online were faking feeling outraged and angry at things. Join this ever-growing group and eventually you won’t be able to tell the difference between real anger and just trying to fit in.
Still not sufficiently angry yet? Well, I hope you die.