WWN Horoscopes

Aries March 21 – April 19

You finally accept that people don’t respect you because of the sheer amount of shite you talk all day, every day.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

When you least expect it this week, you will be blasted in the face with an O’Neills football. It’s going to sting like a bitch.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

You find a penny on the ground. No wait, hang on (cleans crystal ball)… you will get beaten to the ground outside Penneys.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

You manage to do your make-up on the train with no mistakes! Well done, man!

Leo July 23 – August 22

Remember all your old Beano’s that you threw out last year? Worth thousands, they were.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

Your “I’m not a gynaecologist, but I’ll have a look” defence fails to get you out of your medical malpractice lawsuit.

Libra September 23 – October 22

You wake up in a field. There’s a taste of blood in your mouth. There’s skin and hair under your fingernails. You have no clue how you got here. Wednesdays, eh?

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

You will spend most of the day wondering if Sting the wrestler could beat Sting the musician in a bare-knuckle fight.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Dude, that should NOT be that colour. Get it checked, fast.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Nothing doing for you this week. As you were, see you next week maybe.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

You post your 1,000th selfie! Congratulations, you win an iPhone!

Pisces February 19 – March 20

All that anger you feel at work, all that rage, all that hatred for your co-workers… just bottle it all up. The Christmas party is only 5 months away. Bide your time.