WWN Guide To Avoiding An Abortion Referendum

FOLLOWING word from the UN that the Irish Government should hold a referendum on its abortion laws, now is an ideal time to provide a handy guide to any government in power around the world who might happen to want to do everything in their power to pass the buck on to the next crowd that gets into office:

The classic approach is to put your fingers in your ears and shout ‘la la la la la I can’t hear you’ it works so well for so many other issues currently being ignored, but it might not cut the mustard here. Buying a novelty sized carpet with enough sweeping space underneath is recommended, but once again it might not do for this subject.

It’s important to pretend you don’t endorse the UN or any of their findings in the cases of the UN appealing for measures to be put in place that you simply couldn’t be arsed doing. When, say speaking as an opposition TD in the early to mid-2000s you can of course invoke the credibility and trustworthiness of the organisation on countless occasions, but upon becoming Taoiseach in the following years you must ignore such endorsements, pretending you don’t put much truck in that UN nonsense.

Using phrases like ‘sure ya know what the UN Committee on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights are like’ and ‘you don’t need me to tell you why the UN Committee on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights aren’t to be taken seriously’, will help. These phrases are just the right amount of vague inference. Say it with conviction though, you really want voters to believe you have no respect for women in society.

Point out that you single-handedly gave the gay lads their wedding. And sure didn’t the country have a vote on this in 89BC so it’s grand.

While not necessarily a guide for the Irish Government only, they would be well advised to enlist Irish Water to carry out a social media blitz which sees them co-op the popular #repealthe8th hash tag so that it will look like those discussing abortion will actually be endorsing Irish Water. This is social media poison.

We’re no hash-tagging experts but ‘use our #repealthe8th hash tag to show your support for Irish Water’ should do the trick.

Above all, avoid speaking to women, this will help you build up a wall of silence, embedding yourself in a world where you’ve never known anyone who’d need an abortion. Don’t even make eye contact with them.

Practice saying ‘fatal foetal abnormalities’ as well as to appear like you’ve really given the nuances of the issue great thought. But keep your conscience barricaded in a steel reinforced structure for safe keeping. Could you imagine the hassle if they got safe and timely access to that?