Plastic Rings Being Damaged By Rogue Sea Creatures, Warn Contaminist Group

CONTAMNIST group Brownpeace have today warned of a large number of plastic ring can holders being damaged by rogue sea creatures, stretching many defenceless six-pack rings into grotesque shapes and sizes.

So far this year a staggering 22,000 plastic rings have been destroyed beyond recognition by selfish animals who continue to wear them like jewellery.

“Sea turtles and Dolphins are the worst offenders,” said Brownpeace spokesperson Ger Walsh. “We believe this horrific trend is part of some sort of sick mating ritual designed to attract the opposite sex. It’s disgusting and barbaric. The only option here is to implement a cull of some kind to warn off these fashion crazy sea-creatures.”

Along with six-pack-rings, Brownpeace claim plastic bags are also under threat from the beasts, stating that three tonnes of the product is greedily ingested by fish nearly every day.

“At this rate, there will be no plastic bags left in the ocean by 2030,” added Walsh, who was visibly upset at the prospect. “Sea creatures need to understand that they are not the only things on this planet.”

As part of the group’s new awareness campaign, Brownpeace dumped 17 tonnes of beautifully coloured plastic bags and can holders into Dublin bay this afternoon and have asked people to donate what they can to the Brownpeace website.