WWN Horoscopes

Aries March 21 – April 19

You will receive excellent news this week, but don’t rush to announce it on Facebook; instead, announce that you have an announcement later in the week. Build anticipation. Milk that shit.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

The appearance of Mars in Uranus is a joke that will never grow old.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

You discover you have a long-lost twin! This should come in handy if you need bone marrow later in life.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

You realise after a few freezing cold nights that it was really too early in the year to put away the big duvet.

Leo July 23 – August 22

3 RT’s on that last tweet! This is your year, you can feel it!

Virgo August 23 – September 22

The engine warning light on your car has come on again. You should really sort that out.

Libra September 23 – October 22

A quick Google search of your symptoms reveals that you have either indigestion or terminal stomach cancer.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Good news on the work front! You’re going to get a huge promotion! Actually, wait a second actually that’s the death tarot card… nope, our bad. You’re getting fired on Tuesday.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Your kid will make a bet with another child that you can beat up his Dad; DO NOT accept this challenge. Look at the size of that other Dad! He would fucking murder you!

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

You finally admit to your friends that you just don’t find Monty Python to be funny, and that Friends is kinda more your speed.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

The stars are a bit unclear about the specifics, but as far as we can tell you’re either going to win the Lotto this week, or die in a fire.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

You will meet a tall, handsome stranger. Well, he’s kinda short, and ugly. But he has road frontage!