WWN Horoscopes

Aries March 21 – April 19

A back massage would be lovely, but can you relax while naked in the company of a stranger? You are Irish, after all.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Don’t buy The Sun today, try and expand your mind. Buy The Star.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

Your pick ‘n flick technique may not be as subtle as you think it is.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

After leaving it for a month, this week you accept that your lawn isn’t going to mow itself.

Leo July 23 – August 22

That full sleeve tribal tattoo you got in the nineties just looks foolish right now. In your heart of hearts, you know this.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

The fact that Aldi trolleys take 2 euro coins will once again be your undoing.

Libra September 23 – October 22

This is the week your knees finally say fuck this, we’re outta here.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Your death goes unnoticed.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

If you want to get a 99, get a 99. Even if it’s raining. Who cares.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

You will finally eat chicken wings without needing to have a shower afterwards.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Stop lying to yourself that you only watch Judge Judy because there’s ‘nothing else on’. There’s plenty of other things on. You lust love Judge Judy.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

You will join the 80ft High Club after having sex with someone in a block of flats.