WWN Horoscopes

Aries March 21 – April 19

On your trip to America, you will meet a tall dark stranger, moments before cops shoot him.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

The neighbour’s cat hates you. We thought it might be coincidence, the way he always stares you out of it, but no; he hates your guts.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

This is the week you will realise that fist-bumping your friends and making an exploding noise is the hallmark of a dickhead. Stop doing that.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

The traffic cops won’t buy your excuses that your tax is in the post for the past five months, and lift the car off you. Still, you got away with it for ages right?

Leo July 23 – August 22

Your star sign is Leo, just like Barack Obama. That is where the similarities end.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

Your kid will leave Lego for you to step on. Not just on the ground; in your shoes. He’s doing it on purpose.

Libra September 23 – October 22

You realise that if you signed up for Concern, charity muggers would stop hassling you on the street. That’s worth a tenner a month, surely?

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

You will spend most of the week daydreaming about how fast you could have ran the assault course on the Krypton Factor.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Nothing for Sagittarius this week. Carry on.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Consider lying to people about your date of birth so that they stop lumping your birthday present in with your Christmas present.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Have you had an accident at work that wasn’t your fault? Would you like to?

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Woooooah black betty bam-ba-lam, wooooooooah black betty bam-ba-lam! I’d say singing that has you pumped, the adrenaline is corsing through your veins right? Feel you could do anything? Well good, because in about two minutes your neighbour is going to burst down the door armed with baseball bat in hand enquiring as to why you slept with his wife.