Noonan To Politely Ask Banks To Stop Fucking Over Customers

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MINISTER for finance Michael Noonan is expected to bow down on bended knee and plead with the Ireland’s banks to cut their variable mortgage interest rates, WWN has learned.

While the department of finance has not ruled out minister Noonan licking the shit off the banks’ shoes, they expressed a desire to avoid such an occurrence.

Noonan, armed with a toothless Central Bank Governor who is soon to retire, will politely say please while holding out a begging bowl on behalf of Irish mortgage recipients who are being punished by a market which has little to no real competition.

Ireland’s banks, best known for owing their customers the Irish taxpayer vast sums of money thanks to a blanket guarantee and subsequent bailout, have expressed a keen interest in offering their customers no hope while simultaneously airing adverts on TV and radio which pretend like we’re all best mates and are just looking out for one another.

“Ah our ads are class in fairness,” revealed an anonymous banking insider to WWN, “d’ya not the one where there’s this family and they want a house and we give it them and there’s all this uplifting music playing. Ah, it’s class”.

Minister Noonan has not ruled out doing something or other involving some sort of action or something which could involve the banks, but has yet to formulate whatever plan he is currently pretending to have.

The Government’s ultimate hope, according to insiders, is to preserve a housing market, which makes credit easily available to people who could one day find they can’t afford it, while at the same time pricing people out of the rental market entirely by failing to implement progressive regulations and protections.

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