WWN Horoscopes

Aries March 21 – April 19

Your nostril hair is getting out of hand now, you know it, I know it, Joanne in accounts knows it, yet you’re doing nothing about it.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

This week that ninja assassin who was sent from the future to kill you calls, luckily for you though you weren’t in. Bad news is the funeral costs for the family member that opened the door to him are through the roof.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

People are too polite to tell you, but you smell like cheese. The really pungent cheese that no one likes.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

This week you find your calling in life. Sadly, that calling seems to be stomping on all the ants you have found coming out of a crack in your kitchen floor.

Leo July 23 – August 22

‘We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars’, while a beautiful quote just won’t cut it with your three children when you are trying to find a bright side to being evicted by your soulless landlord.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

This week you will gain notoriety in your local community after that video of you finishing first in a naked trolley race in Galway resurfaces online.

Libra September 23 – October 22

This week you’ll be wondering when exactly you started making all those odd old man noises when standing up and sitting down.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Neptune comes to the rescue this week so that your love life becomes invigorated by the presence of two bothersome homeless men at your regular bus stop, who have nothing better to do than promise you a world of riches.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

I haven’t eaten a lollipop in years either.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Why is it that everyone can get pregnant except you? Well, not just you, all men actually, but still keep asking the tough questions.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

This week your life will remain the same, you trapes through the usual boring mundanity of hanging out with models, driving fast cars and waking up from your dreams disappointed.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

This week you end up on a stag party with Pope Francis, but you better bring plenty of $1 bills as he is mad for the Las Vegas strip joints.