Widow Of Recently Deceased ‘Can’t Fucking Wait’ To Shake Hands With Entire Parish Later

GRIEVING widow Charlotte Ryan ‘can’t fucking wait’ to shake hands with the entire parish of Portlaw later this evening, once her recently deceased husband’s funeral service is over.

Mrs. Ryan, who was married to John for 36 years, will be expected to engage with a series of old hands and faces, in an age old Irish tradition of condolence.

There will also be a chance for Mrs. Ryan to be accosted by several locals who have never actually met her husband, but nevertheless decided to venture into the church on the off chance it was someone they did know or had heard of.

“I wish I could shake hands with them everyday,” she said, watching the remains of her lifelong partner being paraded up the church aisle in a polished wooden box. “It will be great to see all those familiar faces that wouldn’t even say hello to you on the street. How I missed their rich aromas and sweaty palms. I don’t know how I’d manage without their shakes and solemn stares”.

The 65-year-old retiree made her way to the top of the church with the aid of her sister Clare, as her husband was being carried in by her 5 children.

“Oh, there’s Jeremy White, our local TD,” she pointed out, barely recognising him from her dad’s funeral twelve years ago. “He must be wrecked with all the funerals he goes to. At least he doesn’t have to bring a packed lunch with him; sure there’s a rake of sandwiches back in the house”.

Remembering that’s all that was waiting for her, the visibly frail widow broke down in tears of heartache, hopelessly trying to rid the feeling of nothingness running through her veins as the shakers formed an orderly line in wait.