Government Call Emergency Cabinet Meeting To Get Their Siteserv Story Straight

FOLLOWING continued revelations and intrigue surrounding the Government sale of Siteserv to Denis O’Brien’s Isle of Man based company Millington at a loss of €105 million to the State, an emergency cabinet meeting has been called in order to get their fucking story straight.

While initially batting away criticism from the opposition this week, it was politely pointed out to the Government that the sale had all the stench rotting fish placed into the carcass of yet more rotting fish. The meeting took place in a secure and secret location, but much of the detail has been leaked to WWN.

As the cabinet piled into the stationary cupboard in Leinster House, An Taoiseach Enda Kenny, now sweating profusely, made it clear everyone was to look back over the Dáil records and see what exactly they have said in relation to Siteserv since its sale in 2012.

“Did anyone use the words ‘a great deal’ or ‘I love Denis O’Brien’ because if they did, we might as well hand over the keys to Sinn Féin,” the Taoiseach said while pulling aggressively at his normally immaculate hair.

Such was the grave need for sorting out exactly what is known about the situation, the Government cancelled all ongoing engagements, with the Taoiseach even going as far as to cancel his appearance at the launch of an announcement of two jobs at a Londis deli in Meath.

It is believed a junior minister in the stationary cupboard suggested murdering opposition TD Catherine Murphy, who is credited with continually questioning the sale in the Dáil. Enda Kenny agreed to loud cheers, but later retracted his remarks admitting “we all a bit too excited there, didn’t we?”

Minister for Finance Michael Noonan confirmed he had it all under control after going on the Dáil record yesterday making several stern pronouncements only to be reminded by the Taoiseach that they have all been refuted in the following 24 hours.

It was at this point a civil servant noticed the light was on in the stationary cupboard and mistakenly thinking the cupboard was empty, switched off the light. He was later fired.

“Right, shut up, shut up, shut up. Just let me think,” the Taoiseach said as several ministers began to solemnly weep.

“Is this what Bertie felt like when he was called up to the Mahon tribunal, it is isn’t it? We’re all fucked now,” Tanaiste Joan Burton queried.