With the first batch of Irish Water bills arriving at homes across the country today, we here at WWN have put together 5 things you can do with them in case you were unsure.
1) Play Table Tennis With It
That’s right, this first bill is packed with leaflets and information making it quite heavy and durable enough to play table tennis with. Holding it with your hand like a pro, feel how easy it is to wack a ping pong directly at your opponent, neighbour or friend. Why not organise an Irish Water table tennis night? Fun for all the family.
This ancient art of paper folding will have you making weird looking creatures from your utility bill in no time. How about folding it into a Phil Hogan head, or even a flying penis. The decision is yours. Just be careful of those sharp edges. You don’t want to go dying from a paper cut. Can you imagine the news headline? Oh the ironing!
3) Build A Shelter For The Homeless
Sometimes it’s great to give something back to those less fortunate than us. I mean, the government aren’t going to do it so why not build some homeless person a wee shelter from the elements by collecting a large stack of Irish Water bills over the next few months. Sellotape each bill together to make a nice warm, robust home for someone who doesn’t have one. It’s what Jesus would have wanted.
4) Shin Guards
No money to pay for proper sports equipment? No problem, Irish Water bills make the perfect shin, crotch and knee guards. Just shove that fucker down your socks, jocks or slacks and reap the benefits of ingenuity in a world gone mad. American football fan? Well then pop those bad boys under your jersey as shoulder pads. Amazing.
5) Toilet Paper
We’ve all been there. You go to the shop. Come home. Unpack the messages and then realise you forgot to get the bog roll. No problem. Irish Water bills are made from 100% recycled Anglo banking files that were shredded in 2007. This makes the bill paper soft enough for butt wiping. Read the terms and conditions on the back while you poop. Laugh at all the things wrong about the company before happily wiping your excrement all over it like a hunger striker. Watch as that crinkled mess swirls around your toilet bowl in the very water it wants you to pay for. Ohhhhh that felt good now didn’t it? Yes, yes it did you big rebel.