250 New Garda Positions Now Available To Those Who ‘Know Someone’

MINISTER for Justice Frances Fitzgerald is set to announce 250 new garda positions for members of the public later this afternoon.

The new recruits will train in Templemore in two separate intakes of 125 and applicants will be accepted in precise order of strongest familial connections to An Garda Síochána.

“We would outright discourage someone who doesn’t come from a garda family background but before you all cry nepotism we have the science to back up that garda suitability is carried on in specific DNA,” explained chief recruiting officer garda Martin Ferris.

Despite understandable outrage from large sections of the public, the minister has given her reassurances that the recruitment process will be transparent and only involve hiring of people who ‘know someone’.

“This isn’t the bad old days of Fianna Fáil where nepotism was the only game in town, we’ll accept you in if you’re on good terms with your neighbour if he happens to be a Sergeant or higher rank as well,” explained the Minister.

“Obviously if you’re the great grandson of Kevin O’Higgins we’re not going to turn you away but like we said this is a meritocracy,” the minister added, “with merit awarded for knowing someone within the force first”.

Those individuals applying for positions that have no connections whatsoever have been advised to befriend existing gardaí or even look into impregnating the daughter of a member of the police force.