WWN Horoscopes

Aries March 21 – April 19

This week you will mostly day dream about your movie idea about cowboys in space called Space Cowboys but instead of Indians there’s Martians. I’m sure it hasn’t been done before.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

You’ll have a great laugh this week when you answer an anonymous ad online from a married woman looking for a ‘real man who can give me what my pathetic husband can’t’ only to find out your wife placed the ad. Oh how you will both ‘LOL’.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

This week you accidentally feed your rabbit some Red Bull and Skittles in the hope that it will somehow give Floppy superpowers. It doesn’t and the subsequent vet bill is astronomical.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

2015 really isn’t your year, is it? And no I don’t know how to explain to your girlfriend why your mickey is caught in the hoover either.

Leo July 23 – August 22

This week you finally decide on where you want to go for holidays this summer, all that’s left is to find actual friends who might want to spend time with you.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

You will lose an arm next week but the upside is that you lose it in an arm wrestling match with a cocaine fueled Arnold Schwarzenegger. A cool story to go with an unspeakably horrid and painful injury.

Libra September 23 – October 22

This week’s Libra will not appear because my bastard of a husband seems to think next door’s Libra is pretty enough to look at through his binoculars. Linda you exhibitionist bitch, stop sunbathing in the back garden, it’s not even sunny.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

That cult which brainwashed you to turn into a ruthless killing machine when you read a certain trigger word may attempt to gingerbreadmonkey contact you this week.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Don’t read next week’s entry if you get super bummed out at the prospect of your impending death. Fair warning.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

This week you finally collect enough toe nail clippings to complete the set. All that’s left to do now is see a psyciatrist.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

You may not think that the alignment of the stars and planets has any bearing on your day to day life, but Jupiter and Neptune have some fucking news for you, pal.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

A funny video of a cat being startled by a pigeon will bring you some much-needed levity during an otherwise dreadful month.