WWN Horoscopes
Aries March 21 – April 19
This week you will mostly be saying ‘we’ when discussing the Irish rugby team’s 6 Nations victory despite not playing in the games yourself.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
The strength associated with Taurus will abandon you as you dig your spoon into your tub of ice cream, failing to make a dent in its icily resolute surface.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
Last week when I said take up a sport I didn’t think you would choose hunting, catching and eating humans.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
This week, the rest of the office will be begin to make less of an effort in hiding how much they hate you.
Leo July 23 – August 22
Thanks to Jupiter you gain the incite into taking up aqua yoga in a fresh bid to distract yourself from the finite and ultimately unfulfilling nature of existing.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
This week you will make a big and positive impression on some new friends when you lie to them about almost everything, including reading a number of intellectual-sounding books.
Libra September 23 – October 22
Some quick accounting this week carried out as you avoid doing actual work helps you realise you’re spending over €2,500 a year on coffee, this forces you to pretend a friend of yours has died in an effort to explain away the fact you burst into tears.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
This week you’ll mostly be annoyed with your boyfriend for something he did in a dream you had.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Since the majority of Sagittariuses are strong independent people who don’t need external validation, its horoscope entry has been discontinued.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
A heartbreaking documentary about blood donor shortages in Ireland has such an impact on you that it compels you to Tweet about how you are watching the documentary.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
This week you will read your horoscope completely unaware that all entries are compiled by a highly advanced computer algorithm designed to keep you coming back for more, just wait until next week to see what it has in store for you.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
A shocking secret from your past reveals that you were only your parents 12th favourite child.