Liffey Valley Shopping Centre Expansion To Include ‘Scumbag Containment Unit’
A NEW expansion at the Liffey Valley Shopping Centre was announced today and the new addition is expected to house a world first: a ‘Scumbag Containment Unit’ or SCU.
The chief architect on the project, which will see Penneys and Vue cinema take up a large portion of the new development has explained the careful planning that has gone into the SCU.
“Well, as you know so-called ‘scumbags’ who hang around and congregate in public spaces are often drawn to the warm surroundings of indoor shopping centres,” explained architect Donal Franklin, “this can lead to all sorts of problems including shoplifting, intimidation and related crimes. With the SCU I think I’ve hit upon a solution”.
Backed by investors in the new development, Franklin will construct an elaborate structure which will on first glance look like any other part of the shopping centre.
“We’ve done our research and the structure will aim to catch the eye of the average scumbag leading him or her away from the main shopping venues,” Franklin added, “we could have gone down the Dundrum route and pretended to be super posh just to intimidate eejits into not coming in but it’s not for us”.
In order to lead scumbags to the SCU Franklin will construct a replica shopping centre alongside the new development which will have large distracting neon signs for shops such as JD Sports and McDonalds.
Once inside the SCU, the scumbags will be given ample room to openly spit on the floor for no good reason and will not be ushered away by any security.
“Yeah the trick is to make them think they’re in the normal shopping centre with people who don’t start fights just for the craic. Then we’ve set up a fake JD Sports which is just understaffed enough to present the ideal shoplifting opportunity for them,” explained head of security at Liffey Valley John Young.
“They’ll be having such a good time stealing Nike Air Maxes they won’t even question why no one is turfing them out”.
The annual running cost of the SCU will be €250,000 but it is thought that the positives gained from this will see profits for shops operating in the centre increase tenfold and provide much needed reassurance for staff working there.
“If it finally dawns on them that they aren’t actually in the shopping centre, we have a protocol in place,” confirmed Young.
The protocol is believed to involve barrier instantly coming down locking the scumbags in the SCU. Then expert hunters will be released into the SCU, given the task of killing the scumbags one by one.