Panic As Man Realises Only Empty Seat On Bus Is Beside Old School Friend

A SUDDEN rush of panic engulfed the very being of Wicklow man Derek Ryan, drenching him in dread shortly after setting eyes on old school friend and insufferable bastard, Barry Lyons.

Before Derek had the chance to pretend he hadn’t seen Barry sitting next to the only free seat on the 145, his former school friend gave him a look of recognition before shouting ‘Ryaner!’

Despite Derek smiling back, his mind was now sound tracked by an incessant and indeterminate number of swear words with ‘fuck’ featuring the most frequently.

“Jaysus, how long now has it been,” Barry bellowed as he pulled Derek into the seat next to him. “Where are ya living these days Barry, not too far out of town I hope?” Derek asked politely with an enthusiasm that belied his desperation.

Tragedy befell Derek as Barry confirmed he lived all the way out in Bray, just the one stop after Derek’s. Even with the presence of heavy rain and freezing temperatures outside Derek gave serious consideration to pretending he now lived in Donnybrook in order to get off at the next stop.

“Do you remember Bodger Doyle?” Barry asked Derek, as if unaware most human beings are capable of remembering the names of their best friends in school. “Dead. Killed himself,” Barry confirmed with a laugh before going on to run through every 6th year student from St Gerrard’s class of 2001.

Derek nodded politely as he realised he would have to avoid all future trips on the 145, or better yet, move to another country if it safeguarded him against bumping into Barry again.

Barry remained oblivious to Derek’s reluctance to converse, despite his old school mate slowly turning his body away from him while pretending to be texting on his phone.

“Do ya remember when I drank piss out of my shoe for a bet?” Barry added loudly enough for everyone on the bus to hear, “ah that was fuckin’ class. No better days than the school days, huh?” Barry added.

“I’ll just change my name to Eduardo Lopez and open that cocoa farm in Columbia I’ve always wanted,” Derek thought to himself as he weighed up the pros and cons of murdering Barry just to bring an end to their excruciating exchange.