WWN Event Guide

NATIONWIDE

This weekend interfering couples throughout the land are launching a special ‘ condescending nagging event’ which sees them encouraging their single friends to ‘just get out there’ in a bid to help them find love. Entry is free and if you’re single you have no choice but to participate.

WESTMEATH

Bucking the trend of all other cinemas who are showing 50 shades of Grey Deco Ward presents the women of Mullingar with a unique opportunity to see ‘actual porn’. Although the details of the movie are shrouded in secrecy, Deco Ward assures us that if his internet connection holds up, he has a video there up on Youporn and ‘the lad in it fairly lobs it into to her’. Admission is free for women, €70 for men. Showings of the movie take place throughout the weekend.

DUBLIN

Quick thinking criminals have announced a widespread event and are looking for participants. While all the posh folk are in the Aviva watching the rugby their houses lay empty and also full of really expensive shit like TVs and that. If you think you have what it takes to shimmy open a window, disarm an alarm and carry a TV out in under a minute – this is the event for you. Those with a history of back trouble need not attend. Admission is free, but attendees must already have a hatred for the Gardaí.

WATERFORD

Paddy Browne’s Pub is at it again. Yet more live events that put the rest of the country to shame. Bill Gates gives a talk on how to get your tech business off the ground from 8pm tonight. Admission is €8 when you book online, €10 at the door. Rest assured it really is Bill Gates and not just some lanky lad with glasses.

NATIONWIDE

A novel spin on the ‘speed dating’ format is taking place this Saturday which will see all happily single women take part in ‘speed rejecting’ in an effort to save everyone a bit of time. Single and lecherous men will be rejected by women even before they get to try out their terrible Valentine’s Day focused chat up lines.