If you’re not reading this, then chances are you’re already dead. If you are one of the lucky ones to survive the great Snowpocalypse of 2015 you should know that the World is now a different, more dangerous place.
WWN has produced a comprehensive guide to surviving the deadly conditions out there. Take careful notes throughout.
1) Kill the youngest in the family. Don’t question it, just do it. They will only weigh you down. How much food have you got to last you in that fridge of yours? Not much, is it? See, kill the young to survive – it’s one less mouth to feed.
2) Do not answer the door under any circumstances. It’s crazy out there and people are only getting more desperate. Sure, Bridget from next door is only checking up on you, more like checking up on that state of the art boiler you got installed before Christmas, she’s only too interested in its heating capabilities. The bitch will kill you once the snow starts falling again.
3) Driving. This is the biggest test you face: to obey or not to obey the rules of the road. Red lights are now green to you, amber lights are now green, and green lights are even more green. Go, go, go. If someone is broken down on the side of the road, the most you can do is roll down the window and tell them to give up and give in to the elements.
4) Supplies. Is it over the top to spend €1500 on food supplies? Well, let me ask you this – is it over the top to want to live? No? Well then get down to Lidl and use that trolley as a ramming machine against your fellow panicked shoppers.
5) I haven’t seen my cat in an hour, what should I do? The local population has already turned feral and possibly feasted on the organs of your beloved Felix. He paid the ultimate sacrifice and cat heaven will treat him well.
6) The weather reports suggest it’s clearing up. Lies! That’s what the bloodthirsty spies of Met Éireann want you to think, we’re closer than ever to breaking 100 feet of snowfall in the next 24 hours – don’t let your guard down.
7) I’m in trouble, should I ring the emergency services? No, they are the trouble. Cocoon and barricade yourself in, now’s about the time your other half will tell you that you should have built that underground nuclear bomb shelter you’re always going on about.
8) Don’t watch the Day After Tomorrow, it will only depress you. Also, don’t watch The Ice Storm – that will seriously depress you.
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