Couple Holding Hands In Lidl Need To Get A Fucking Life, Says Report

THE majority of couples who hold hands while shopping in Lidl need to wise up and catch a hold of themselves, according to a new report published today.

The report, centering around Public Displays of Affection (PDAs) in densely populated shopping areas, cited holding hands or kissing while in garden centers or pharmacies to rank high on the list of “most annoying things a couple can do”, before going on to focus on PDAs between couples in German branded discount supermarkets such as Aldi or Lidl.

Holding hands in these stores, voted to be the least romantic places on Earth on a list that also included prisons and poultry farms, was found to stir up intense negative emotions in other shoppers, and generate a consensus that anyone holding hands while shopping needs “to get a fucking life”.

“If you’re in Lidl with your boyfriend or girlfriend, you need to realise that you’re not on the streets of Paris,” said Dr. Martin Browne, the scientist who funded the anti-PDA report after his wife left him for a younger man.

“There is absolutely no need to hold hands or link arms when you’re searching through the middle aisle for a fishing rod or a sewing machine or something. People shopping in Lidl don’t want to see you guys skipping along like this is the happiest moment in your life; you’re in a fucking Lidl. Quit making it awkward for those of us that just want to buy some Nobelaner Premium and a frozen pizza”.