WWN’s essential guide to why your boss should totally fire you, you worthless piece of shit. Lists change lives, read on:
1) Despite working in your current job for 3 years you regularly look up the definition of your position online just to remind yourself of what exactly you’re supposed to be doing.
2) You might think the office doesn’t know you’re the phantom shitter who leaves lovely surprises in the pot plants, but the net is closing in on you and your tyrannical reign.
3) What do you think this place runs on, free pens? Being the shameless sociopath that you are, you’ve been sneaking stationary home for years to give to your kids for school. It’s okay though, it only comes to a total of 435,967 BIC biros. How do you sleep at night?
4) This will be the 23rd week in a row you feel entitled to be hungover on a Thursday.
5) Let’s be honest, no one is actually working ‘hard’ by even the loosest definition of the word and now that you’ve got the JobBridge intern doing all the hard ‘numbers’ bit, I think it’s safe to say you’re being truly worthless. Your overwhelming desire to do absolutely nothing while proceeding to tell absolutely everyone how stressful your job is means you are a special type of oblivious nonce.
6) In your self-assessment file you simply write ‘Cheese’ and proceeded to stare at your boss while licking your lips.
7) The fact that you have read the complete works of Shakespeare while hiding out in a toilet cubicle might be an indication as to your true worth to the company.