Horoscopes

Taurus April 20 – May 20

This week the stars have aligned to bring you a reasonably priced toaster. The long search is over thanks to Harvey Normans.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

Saturn is having an awful fucking week up there so be prepared for chaos to reign down on your life, causing you great physical harm. SPOILER ALERT you stub your toe on the coffee table Wednesday morning.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

This week Mercury is in the shadow of Mars, which if you know your astrology is serious stuff. This shift means that orange dress just won’t go with those blue heels of yours.

Leo July 23 – August 22

You are going to die this week. To find out more ring my premium line on 1850-star-sign-shite. Min. Charge €18.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

In these coming weeks you will conquer your stupid superstitions about ladders, black cats and other nonsense. Now make sure to check back in with me, an overweight, thrice divorced man who claims to see messages in the stars next week for more details.

Libra September 23 – October 22

This week you will grow closer and closer to completing the full paedophile look with your Movember efforts. Your family are worried about you Daniel, shave it off.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Ugh Christ, what do you want from me? Okay, so it was your wife who died and not your mother. I can’t be expected to get everything right, can I? I did say it would be the women you loved the most…

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

This week a particularly violent fart belonging to your boyfriend will awaken an ancient Indian burial ground beneath your house. Run, run for your lives!

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Ain’t no party like a Capricorn party…which is you should have invited more Capricorns instead of just boring neighbour Ray. There isn’t enough Tesco Value vodka to make this fun.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

When the moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars. This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, Age of Aquarius. Aquarius! Aquarius! Harmony and understanding, sympathy and trust abounding, no more falsehoods or derisions, golden living dreams of visions mystic crystal revelation and the mind’s true liberation. Aquarius! Aquarius! When the moon is in the Seventh House
And Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars. This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, Age of Aquarius. Aquarius! Aquarius! Let the sun shine, Let the sun shine in, the sun shine in. Let the sun shine, Let the sun shine in. The sun shine in. Let the sun shine, Let the sun shine in. The sun shine in. Let the sun shine, Let the sun shine in. The sun shine in. Let the sun shine, Let the sun shine in. The sun shine in.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

This week you will need to draw on your inner strength as you prick your finger sewing. Big boys don’t cry.