Christmas Moved Forward Three Weeks Due To Consumer Demand
MAJOR retailers and leading brands have confirmed that Christmas will be moved forward three weeks in order to keep up with consumer demands.
Christmas Day 2014 will now fall on the 4th of December, a change which is set to be met with great relief from shoppers around the world and here at home.
“We knew we had to act fast when our staff were being assaulted after telling customers, our Christmas stock wouldn’t be available for another week,” explained manager at Dunne Stores Colin Shortall, “ideally we wouldn’t advertise on TV until well into December but we’re being pressured by the public”.
The general public is famously anxious to start all the build up to the next Christmas on the 1st of January despite protests from leading brands who insist we should wait until at least the beginning of December before beginning the hype.
“We’re actually quite against any pre-December Christmas hype,” explained Coca Cola’s head of marketing Jeremy Rachet, “but we’ve received a high number of death threats from people wondering why we hadn’t put up that fucking ad of ours so we caved and sent it out”.
Retailers and brands have banded together to bring Christmas Day forward in order to satisfy families who turn increasingly violent as they have to wait patiently for the weeks leading up to the big day to pass.
Here at home many people around the country have expressed panic as the coveted 8th of December shopping day, which sees culchies make the trip up to Dublin is now useless.
“Jesus fucking Christ, that’s only 528 hours left to buy socks and jocks for himself,” said Limerick woman Sheena Talbot as she quit her job in order to allow her more time to shop for all Christmas related items.
It is not yet known if the Vatican was consulted on the switch of the birth of Jesus to December 4th, but it is thought they have remained silent due to a deal struck with toy manufacturers for a discount on production costs for their ‘Zombie Jesus’ range of action figures.