Irish Nation To Act As Guarantor For European €40bn Stimulus Package, Confirms ECB

THE European Central Bank is to embark upon a €40bn asset-backed security plan as part of a package to stimulate the region’s economy, it announced today.

According to JPMorgan Chase, Ireland will act as ‘guarantor’ for the large-scale quantitative easing (QE) program, in any likelihood of it failing.

Head of International JP’s Bonds Research, Gareth Davies, said he expected the state backed guarantee to boost confidence in the markets, and hopes to see a revival in lending to small-and medium-sized businesses that employ about 70% of the European Union’s private-sector workers.

“Aren’t they a great bunch of lads all the same?” Davies pointed out during a brief press conference this morning. “If it all goes tits up, the Irish will have it paid back in no time. Who know’s, Europe might let them keep a few more fish, or even cut their own turf.”

It is understood Taoiseach Enda Kenny signed off on the guarantee late last night in exchange for .0008% reduction in the outstanding debt already owed by the state to the ECB.

“I’m very confident it will not come down to that.” replied Mr. Kenny when asked what will happen if it fails. “The recession is over. Sure, what can go wrong? “