There has been widespread shock as the close knit community of Dungarvan is coming to terms with the passing of Joyce Dunlop, a 72-year-old pensioner who literally melted due to the recent Heatwave experienced by Ireland.
While many families enjoyed trips to the beach involving sand getting trapped and lodged in incredibly awkward and uncomfortable bodily crevices, Joyce Dunlop, mother of 17, began melting at an astonishing rate as she exited the safety of her local Tesco and out into the searing sunshine.
“Well, I’ve never seen the like of it,” explained eye witness Gary Barnes, “I was walking behind her and she began slowing down and I think she said something like ‘fierce close’ to no one in particular and then her legs started giving way, just losing their consistency and down into the path she went,” Gary added before bursting into tears.
Gardaí on the scene quickly ruled out Mrs. Dunlop being made of some sort of gelatinous gloop like jelly, instead confirming she, like many other pensioners, was 100% human and 100% meltable.
“We believe a 72-year-old woman just up and fucking melted there by the Tescos,” explained Garda Terry Kenna, “all that was left behind was a winter coat, a blouse and several scarves. We believe the woman had taken a weather report on RTE last night too seriously, when the weatherman suggested the temperature could drop, she wrapped up but it was to be her downfall”.
The state pathologist will oversee Mrs. Dunlop’s postmortem, but it is expected he will return a verdict of ‘death by melting’.
The melting of pensioners is still a rare event but the elderly have been urged to avoid direct sunlight until the weather cools off and we revert back to our traditional summer of high winds, freezing temperatures and torrential rain.