Hungover Merkel Afraid To Check Phone

German Chancellor Angela Merkel is this morning, bracing herself before going through the 736 missed calls and 1,347 text messages on her phone, following a night of drunken debauchery in celebration of her country’s World Cup victory over Argentina.

Merkel, said to be suffering from the worst dose of the fear ever recorded, has little to no recollection of her actions last night and concerns are being raised in the Eurozone that she may have written off several billion euro of sovereign debt during a celebration which started at the Maracana stadium and ended in one of the worst favelas in Rio. Waking up in a room littered in used condoms with a freshly inked neck tattoo of a dragon, the 59-year-old Christian Democratic Unionist grabbed her possessions and made her way to Antonio Carlos Jobim airport, ignoring her phone all the way.

“Chancellor Merkel is unavailable for comment,” said senior aide Kurt Zimmerhung, when asked if Chancellor Merkel was available for comment.

“All we know at the moment is what we have learned from Rihanna’s instagram account, which shows the pop singer drinking Jaeger out of Chancellor Merkel’s navel. In the background of another photo, Chancellor Merkel can be seen with some of the German players, holding the World Cup trophy as if it were an erect penis. These matters, while troubling, pale in comparison to her phone records which show she made several calls to the leaders of countries which have received bailouts”.

Finance ministers in Ireland, Greece, Spain, Portugal and Cyprus were said to be wearing broad smiles this morning upon checking their phone messages, with Irish Minister for Finance Michael Noonan being particularly delighted to hear that not only has Chancellor Merkel given the country a significant write down of its debt, but she has always thought him to be pure sound.