The Day Ireland Lost Its Innocence

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In a sense Ireland’s innocence may well have long since left us but no lurid scandal can hit as hard as when a national treasure mistakenly swears live on air and subsequently apologises for it.

Some say we’ll never get over it, others woke up and simply told their bosses ‘not today lad, not today’. It is that kind of day, it was that kind of evening, it is no longer that kind of Ireland.

WWN, as our readers know, is a family publication so as always we will endeavour to be sensitive to the Nation’s needs unlike a certain Mr. Eamon Augustus Dunphy.

“Fucking,” Dunphy screamed at the top of his lungs, his bulging eyes locked on camera 1, staring down the barrel of an innocent Irish public. But, what was being ‘fucked’ exactly? Our children’s right to a life sheltered from the horrors of modern society? Yes, that’s exactly what was being copulated with.

While Dunphy may claim he was giving a rudimentary explanation of Neymar’s desire to sexually gratify the emotional state of ‘dread’ it simply isn’t true. To better understand Dunphy’s disgusting aural assault on the earholes of the innocent we cannot go without mentioning the 1916 Rising. There, we mentioned it.

It is of course the swear word that sent shockwaves through a Nation. Monitors of seismic activity in Ireland claim that the collective gasp let out by the Nation registered a 1.2 on the Richter scale.

And today, the aftermath. Busy city streets were awash with young children gleefully shouting ‘fuckin’ dreading it’ completely unaware that the phrase’s sinister undertones were corrupting them a thousand times over. How long before they take to killing their parents? Who knows? How can anyone know anything anymore?

Of course, one could not help but notice the individual who was most affected by Dunphy’s wild tirade. He is out of the ICU now, no longer in a critical condition but for a time we all feared Bill O’Herlihy wouldn’t make it. “Fuckin’ dreading it,” Dunphy said, it’s worth emphasising once more, and with that Bill collapsed, not due to shock as many first feared but due to the sheer force behind Dunphy’s utterance. Knocked out cold as if he had he taken a right hook from God himself.

What next for an Ireland left destroyed by this monumental incident? Yes the BAI was right to shutdown RTÉ immediately after they finished covering the Russia game. Yes the Government were right to cancel their Summer recess to deal with this. Perhaps the reinstatement of the death penalty for Dunphy will, long after his execution, seem harsh but we must judge ourselves harshly or what is there to stop a “fuckin’ dreading it” becoming a hail of bullets from a machine gun.

Romantic Ireland is indeed dead and gone, that guy off the Leaving Cert poetry syllabus was so tragically right.

If you were affected by Eamon Dunphy’s outburst last night (it was impossible not to be) please contact the special helpline on 01 208 3111

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