Iraqi Soldier Seriously Thinking About Ringing In Sick This Week

Hassan al-Hakkan, a 25-year-old private in the Iraqi army, is today toying with the idea of ringing in sick to work and maybe going for a day out with his wife and young son.

The young man, stationed just north of his home city of Baghdad, is rumoured to be feeling under the weather following a day of celebrating his son’s first birthday at the weekend and as such is leaning towards pulling a sickie for a few days.

“My little boy, Malik, turned one on Sunday and we had a party for him” said al-Hakkan, who enrolled in the army due to there being no employment for him in Iraq.

“We celebrated with friends and family, and I perhaps overdid it a bit. So I might just pull a sickie today and maybe go to the park with my family, maybe get some ice-cream and just chill out. There’s a couple of World Cup matches on as well, I wouldn’t mind watching those”.

As the Al-Qaeda inspired radical Islamist group ISIS reported that they had butchered 1,700 military personnel in a devastating series of ongoing attacks north of Baghdad, al-Hakkan went on to tell us his preferred method of ringing in sick in a believable fashion.

“I know this sounds silly, but trust me it always works!” said the young Iraqi, who has known nothing but conflict and war his whole life.

“If you ring in pretending to sniffle or cough, nobody believes that. So what I do is make the phone call while lying on the ground. Try it; you sound really unusual! Also, I lie on something uncomfortable, like a golf ball or a plug top. It really gives you the sound of pain in your voice, and your boss will always just say stay at home”.

Although he has no love for being part of an army deemed by the United States as being capable of policing a region lousy with well-armed insurgents, Hassan will later today feel remorse at skipping work when his co-workers are short-staffed and clock in for duty.

Later tomorrow, he will appear in a grainy video posted on YouTube by ISIS leaders.