“How Can We Go Wrong With 95% Mortgages?” Asks Man Controlling Nation’s Finances

Minister for Finance Michael Noonan has announced a scheme that could see the state guarantee mortgages of up to 95% for first time buyers.

The Government has sought to act swiftly to bring an end to the growing problem of people not being able to afford exorbitant housing prices by artificially propping up the market.

“As Finance Minister, it is my job to paper over the cracks,” Minister Noonan dutifully explained to empty headed members of the media on the steps of Leinster House.

“What people fail to understand is that if people can’t afford to buy houses or rent houses or even eat, the best thing I can do is make sure the Banks are liable for anything and we reward property developers again,” Noonan added while patting someone gently on the head.

Currently they are 8,000 houses being built a year and if the scheme proves successful that figure would jump to 25,000 in 2016.

Many in the construction sector have informed the Government of their opinion that they have little faith in the banks’ ability to lend effectively. This, along with other factors is believed to have motivated the Government to implement the new scheme.

Minister Noonan was dismissive of those who mentioned the words ‘banks’, ‘developers’ and ‘bubble’. “Ah will ye go away and shite, sure it’ll be grand,” he said as he walked off into the early evening sun.

The implementation of the aforementioned scheme sits in stark contrast to the lack of listening done by the Government in relation to the growing drug addiction epidemic, alarming suicide rates and slave-labour like schemes currently at work.