No Sexy Singles In Your Area Waiting To Chat, Finds Independent Enquiry

A NEW report due tomorrow is to reveal that, contrary to what may be suggested by late night advertisements on television or sidebar ads on the internet, there are no sexy single girls in your area waiting to chat with you.

The survey was carried out by local authorities across Ireland and found that not only are there no sexy single girls near you, your nearest sexy single girl may be up to 50 miles away.

“A lot of what you see advertised is grossly exaggerated” claimed Dr. Frank Murphy, chief census taker for the Sexy Singles Survey (SSS).

“Claims that there are sexy singles just fifteen minutes away from you are wildly exaggerated. There are people in West Cork, the Burren, Malin Head… their nearest sexy single could be a two hour bus journey away. If you live on Valentia Island you’ll need to get a ferry to meet the nearest sexy single, and that’s if she agrees to meet you at the port”.

The news comes as a heavy blow to the legions of lonely horndogs living in the more rural parts of Ireland, although Dr. Murphy went on to assure the nation that although your area may not have as close a grouping of sexy singles as you may want, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

“One thing we did find out is that there are certainly girls living in your area” said Dr. Murphy, as he clicked around on Facebook.

“Although to call them sexy singles is a bit of a stretch. A lot of them aren’t single, and a lot of them are in bits. Most of them don’t want to talk to you, let alone chat or flirt. But rest assured; there are women near to where you are”.

Murphy was however quick to point out that his survey wasn’t limited to sexy singles, and that there were also far fewer bored housewives, lonely MILFs, and cock-craving barely legal sluts in your area than you may have been led to believe.