Putin’s Wife To Get Half Of Crimea In Divorce Settlement

Spokesperson for the Kremlin, Yuri Shatov confirmed today in a statement to the Russian press that the wife of President Vladimir Putin, Lyudmila Aleksandrovna Putina, is to be crowned Queen of Northern Crimea next week as part of their ‘amicable’ divorce settlement.

The couple first met at university in St. Petersburg in 1983 and have two daughters together Maria, born in 1985, and Katerina, born in 1986.

Mr. Shatov stated that the decision to end their 30 year marriage was a joint one and had no bearing on why the peninsula of Crimea was annexed from Ukraine.

He said “The annexation of Crimea was vital action for Russian interests. It is merely a coincidence that Lyudmila Putina had always wanted to be a benevolent queen in a seaside castle.”

Putin’s motivations to take over Crimea had initially been unclear, but sources within the U.N. “Totally get it now.”

Putin wanted to easily get rid of his ex-wife without annoying his daughters and to pave the way for the new lady in his life Olympic gymnast turned MP Alina Kabayeva. He reportedly told advisers that out of all things she demanded, “annexing Crimea was the easiest thing to do.”

The news confirming the divorce comes as a surprise to many within Russia as Lyudmila Putina had all but vanished from public view and it was largely assumed she had taken a trip to Siberia never to be spoken of again.