WWN Horoscopes

Aries March 21 – April 19

This week friends, family and coworkers will point out how what a wonderful and caring person you are. If only they knew about that homeless person you ran over.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Shhh… they’re watching us. They see and hear everything.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

The coming days will see you annoyed by all the deja vu you are experiencing. The coming days will see you annoyed by all the deja vu you are experiencing.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Yeah, you’re right, it’s probably a tumour.

Leo July 23 – August 22

I see great fame in your future. Sure, if Kim Kardashian can record a sex tape and become famous why can’t you?

Virgo August 23 – September 22

This week you won’t believe how good you are at procrastinating. I mean, how many cat videos can one person watch?

Libra September 23 – October 22

There’s no two ways about it, you’re an alcoholic. Embrace it, ruin a family occasion or two.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Money can’t buy you love, but €5,000 is a fine price for a bride and after 9 pints so will you.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Things aren’t going your way at the moment, but don’t despair. With Taurus’s moon in close orbit you should spend every waking minute thinking about the various ways you can kill your coworkers. After some careful planning you can really go out with a bang!

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

…And people say good things don’t happen to bad people, but you’ll find 5 euro on the way to work.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

You’re going through a lot at the moment, but it gets worse as you have a falling out with a friend. Embrace it, after all, in life, all we have is this petty bullshit to keep us from fixating on our own mortality.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Enough about you. Be honest, does this dress look good on me?