Bord Gais Customers To Share Sweet Fuck All In €55m Windfall

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OVER one million Bord Gais customers are to share sweet fuck all in a €55 million windfall, it has been revealed today.

Both electricity and gas customers could have received €55 from their next bill, but won’t, because staff at the company will get it instead.

The news comes as the company gets ready to sell the business on to already wealthy investors from around the world.

Struggling single mother of two Jessica Hearn told WWN she is delighted with the news, and wishes the 1,000 plus staff the best of luck spending their money.

“The thoughts that I contributed to their bonus makes me warm inside,” said the 28-year-old, who’s heating was cut last week due to an unpaid bill. “Fifty five grand each isn’t bad. I’m so happy for them. They deserve it.”

Last year Bord Gais’ revenue was valued at €1.625 billion, making a bumper profit of €121 million in 2013.

Meanwhile, potential new investors in the company are said to be already restructuring prices, in a bid to make an even bigger profit this year.

“I’m sure we can squeeze a bit more out of our Irish customers.” said ex-Anglo bank boss and investor David Drumm. “Sure who’s going to stop us, Enda Kenny?”

“MWAHAHAHAHAHA” he added. “Mwahahahaha”

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