Marching Band Members Can’t Wait For All That Sweet Ass St. Patricks Day Pussy

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MUSICIANS performing with Marching bands in St. Patricks Day parades across the country are this weekend resting themselves in preparation for a deluge of horny groupies following their performances on Monday evening.

Bandmasters have begun administering condoms and Vitamin B12 shots in order to help band members survive the sexual onslaught which follows the yearly festivities.

“These bitches be outta control” said Fiachra O’Loughlain, tin-whistle player with the St. Collumcille Vipers from Moat. “We barely get up off the muthafuckin parade when they be all in our grills. It be those sweet marching jams that get these hoochies fiending”.

2014 will be the first year that parade organisers will issue a list of rules to bands, in regards to dress code and suitable music they can play in an attempt to curb the aggressive sexual behaviour that marred last years parades across the country, where up to 30 people were arrested for lewd conduct.

“We’re currently holding firm on our ban on Kilts and sashes” said Macroom parade organiser Sean Fitzgerbit. “Absolutely firm on that. The girls in the crowd just lose all control of themselves when they see a band kitted out in traditional garb. We’re also vetoing several pieces of music that we’ve found to incite extreme sexual urges in young women. Down by the Sally Garden and Raglan Road are both strictly banned”.

However, not everyone is in favour of censoring the activities of Marching Bands performing on St. Patricks Day. This years Grand Marshal for the Dublin parade, reality TV star Stevphen O’Ceallaigh-Roxton from MTVs ‘The Burren’, thinks people need to appreciate and accept the carnal appeal of a Marching Band.

“You can’t fight the tide, people, ” said the 20 year old tattoo artist and former Fleadh Ceoil Slow-Air flute champion. “There’s a raw sexuality that comes hand-in-hand with a Marching Band. If you’re in a band playing with the percussion or horn section, you’re going to get jumped by chicks almost as soon as you reach the end of the route.

“I agree that we need to educate band members about the dangers of unprotected sex, but the days of trying to censor something so natural as an accordion player getting his jig on with two teenaged groupies in the disabled toilets of a Supermacs are over”.

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