Aries March 21 – April 19
Bruno Mars is in ascension, which means this week your head will be filled with catchy but empty pop songs.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Spoiler alert! You die.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
Don’t listen to your friends, it is time to ask out that guy you like. You have too much in common. It can only end well. You should only search out advice from horoscopes.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
This week you will call your boss ‘Daddy’ by accident. Little do you know he’s a demon for role playing.
Leo July 23 – August 22
Horoscopes? More like horror-scopes! You will be brutally murdered later this week by that guy in the office you said ‘Hi’ to once in the lift.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
I am going to be increasingly vague in describing your future fortunes just to cover myself, I hope that’s alright.
Libra September 23 – October 22
Why are you reading this? You’re not even a Libra.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
A sudden development sees Virgo and Cancer intervene, but let’s face it you shouldn’t fucking trust a star sign named ‘Cancer’, so be wary.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
This week you will receive word from your home planet. Now is the time to strike.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Isn’t weird how you’re a Capricorn, but the voice in your head is Pisces?
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
This week you will make an anonymous donation to charity, then find it hard not to tell absolutely everyone about it.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
When the moon hits your eye like a big-a pizza pie that’s amore.