Sex Advice Column Just A Series Of Words Chosen At Random

PRECOCIOUS student Donal Connelly (19) made a startling discovery earlier today while reading a sex advice column.

Donal had been an avid reader of a sex column for several years in an attempt to bypass the rite of passage that is awkward and disappointing sex which plagues most peoples’ early forays into sexual intercourse.

Donal, a man with a plan, paid close attention to the advice meted out by the wise sex advice columnist Lorna Horn. Donal and his girlfriend Jessica had been enjoying regular sex with one another for a little over a week. However, earlier this morning as Donal read through the column his life changed forever.

With his manhood established, Donal sought to pepper his lovemaking with more than the simple ‘flop like a fish’ routine and so he turned once more to the expert writing of Lorna Horn.

Donal read on in horror upon realising the sex advice columnist’s writings were merely a series of words and phrases thrown together.

‘Put your elegant eggplant in her blanket warmer; to spice things up by taking an industrial strength washing detergent and then take the third exit off the M50.

‘If this doesn’t satisfy your deep seated desire for reasonably priced hair products then tenderly deliver a franciscan monastery to the mouth of her naughty two euro shop. Not many people know this, but if you allow for proper drainage, your rusty B&B will be in for a 30% off sale at the Trinity Ball.’

Donal, in his pre-sexual dynamo days, presumed his trouble understanding the column’s inexplicable content was due to his relative inexperience with women but now being a veteran of 10 sex-having sessions it was clear to him that Lorna Horn knew as much about sex as the ‘thinly sliced rubber ducky coated in olive oil’ she wrote write about in last week’s column.