Man In Coma Won’t Stop Farting

Retired teacher Joseph Granville has been surrounded by family every night since he fell into a coma last weekend.

Hospital staff admitted to WWN that they have been moved by the touching scenes of children and grandchildren rallying behind Mr. Granville’s wife June in this very trying time.

However, the staff remarked that they were less than moved by Mr. Granville’s bowel movements as he lays in a sedate state.

“At first I ignored it,” shared Helen Moore, a nurse caring for Mr. Granville, “but with each passing day the movements are getting worse, he’s had some absolute rippers”.

Dr. Frank Mulhern, the doctor tasked with caring for the patient, spoke to WWN about what exactly they are doing for the 67-year-old retiree. “Well, we are monitoring the numbers of ‘whoopsie daisies’ he is having…not for any medical reason, it’s just we have a few bets going. I believe he is on 24 for today and it’s only lunchtime.”

While the hospital staff were at pains to stress that they are treating all their patients with dignity, it seems even Mr. Granville’s family members are feeling the strain.

“Ah, he has an arse like a nightmare factory, churning them out he is. Each one more horrifying than the one before,” admitted Mr. Granville’s eldest son Robert.

When pushed for a prognosis by WWN Dr. Mulhern came to a shocking conclusion. “If you ask me, I think he’s faking. Wriggling out rasper after rasper like that, I think he’s torturing his family as part of some sick game and we’re caught in the middle. I swear I saw him sitting up smiling to himself the other day, but no one can be that evil, can they?”