Aries March 21 – April 19
While no one will ever take your place in her heart, three elderly fishermen, Howdo, and a member of the Butterfly band have taken your place in her other areas.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie to the hip hip hop, a you don’t stop the rock it to the bang bang boogie say up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
You will smash the existing human land speed record this week when you are struck by the number 13 bus leaving Ballymun.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
A tall dark handsome stranger just walked into that Cecilia Ahern book you’re reading.
Leo July 23 – August 22
No amount of trips to Ikea will numb the pain of your existence.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
The hope that your new-born son will live an easy life, free from suffering and ridicule, is contradicted by your decision to name him “Francis.”
Libra September 23 – October 22
Due to the speed of light and the ever expanding universe, your prayers from 18 years ago have only been answered now. So start looking for a large apartment for your new 15-year-old Ashley Banks girlfriend and her co-stars from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
Awesome forces beyond your control will continue to post charity clothes collection leaflets through your letterbox.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
You will have an uncontrollable urge to kill the driver of the local ice-cream van at 8:34pm this Wednesday.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
You’re going to feel a right eejit when you type ‘google’ into google and the week goes downhill from there.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
The stars just want to tell you this week to stop buying clothes that are obviously way to small for you and that your butterfly tramp stamp tattoo now resembles a golden eagle.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
No I’m sure your boyfriend won’t show that video to any of his mates or the internet.