Study Shows Some Thick Cunts Emigrated Too

THE CENTRAL Statistics Office’s figures reveal over 200,000 people have emigrated since the economic crisis of 2008.

Hot on the heels of these figures on emigration comes a study from UCC’s Institute for Social Science which gets to the bottom of the country’s disheartening ‘brain drain’.

‘Brain Drain’ is a technique used by foreign countries whereby they attach large suction tubes to the brain of an Irish man or woman in order to transport Ireland’s most intelligent minds to their own country.

Although this method is in its infancy there is little danger to the health of the individual involved in the process.

Nefarious nations such as Australia, Canada and America have used this burgeoning technology to bolster their economies with valuable and astute minds, leaving Ireland bereft of intelligent people.

UCC’s latest study into the effects of ‘brain drain’ has discovered that the technology is not foolproof and has become inefficient.

“Well at first it seemed that the only individuals being scooped up were highly motivated and intelligent. For example, take Jonathan Doyle, in between studying for his PHD in electronic engineering and leaving he spent his days singing to sick children as well as finding a cure for cancer,” Dr Francis Guilfoyle, head of the UCC study, told WWN.

“Now we see monstrously idiotic people leaving the country too, people whose week consists of throwing stones at pigeons and eating kebabs like it was the first time they’ve ever fed themselves,” he added.

The Government have, of course, tried to keep the terrifying reality of ‘brain drain’ from the public. WWN sources suggest the Government has just one civil servant standing around Dublin airport with a clicker as people board flights.

A Government insider spoke to WWN adding “if people are so worried about their sons and daughters being scoped up in the middle of the night by Australia or wherever just advise them not to seek an education. Who needs 5 masters anyway?”

Debate continues in Ireland around the phenomenon of ‘brain drain’ as leading journalists and public figures can’t decide on whether it is a tragedy or not unable to consider the unlikely third option that the reality is somewhere in between.