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Aries  March 21 – April 19

Paddy English man, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scots man will come across a genies lamp this week on a local beach, they make three wishes, and break down crying in what is to be one of the lamist jokes you have ever heard.

Taurus  April 20 – May 20

This week is all about you — yes you! You selfish, lazy, egotistical, attention seeking shit.

Gemini  May 21 – June 20

They say what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Please remember this when you try to pass a large egg shaped object this Sunday morning.

Cancer  June 21 – July 22

Your family laughed when you said that the statue of the blessed virgin was moving and talking to you, but they won’t be laughing tomorrow when you’re admitted to Belmont mental Asylum.

Leo  July 23 – August 22

In the right context your comment “The pot calling the kettle black.” could have been taken with a pinch of salt. But unfortunetley for you and your Garda career, it wasn’t. Your racial slurs will headline the courts section of the Munster express this Wednesday.

Virgo  August 23 – September 22

The stars have decided that if you’re going to be such a moaning cunt about every thing bad in your pathetic little life, you’ll just have to fuck off and find out your own fucking future. Asshole!

Libra  September 23 – October 22

While donating vital organs is deemed a selfless act, the manner in which you’ll do it will leave the entire parish traumatised for the rest of their lives.

Scorpio  October 23 – November 21

Spell out your plans for the future and you will receive some interesting feedback. The main one being that dyslexia affects between 13 and 17% of the population.

Sagittarius  November 22 – December 21

Get started in a new direction today — preferably forward. Your propensity to walk sideways is starting to make the grandchildren nervous.

Capricorn  December 22 – January 19

Your communication style is enhanced today, so see if you can impress the right people with your big toe movement. It might take a few months. But the stars are sure that the nurse will figure it out eventually.

Aquarius  January 20 – February 18

While you’ve reasoned your way out of sticky situations before, a crisis this week involving a bag of coke, a dead donkey, and a thrashed hotel room will leave you completely stumped.

Pisces  February 19 – March 20

You’re going through a harder time than usual today, and you might have to rely on your old friends ‘Paddy’ and ‘Bushmills’ in order to make it. The good news is that your future liver is being kept nice and warm in its current host, and will be ready just in time for christmas.

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