Leaving Cert Students To Celebrate Results By Wrecking The Fucking Place

Now that the long wait for exam results are over many students have great cause to celebrate and in time honoured Irish tradition the country’s leaving cert students will descend on the Nations’ night spots to wreak havoc.

These students, the future of the Nation, carry with them great hope and promise after encouraging results across most subjects.

The rest of the Nation will observe the celebrations from a safe distance as several thousand students vomit with untold ferocity and maim each other for getting ‘that B in French’.

Provisional estimates suggest those bright young things who studied their arses off will cause as much as €12 million euro in damages up and down the country.

Several publicans and night club owners expressed a mix of anxiety and glee to WWN when discussing the annual onslaught of students expected to pass through their doors.

“It is one of busiest nights we have in the year and we’ve capitalised on it by offering a few promotions. A free pint for every point…wait, I haven’t thought this through have I? I’ll be right back” said a panicked Conal Dwyer, proprietor of one Dublin’s most popular nightclubs.

“Well obviously it’s great for the kids to celebrate or drown their sorrows but they do go over board every now and then”, said an ashen-faced John McGreedy, manager of D2 nightclub, “they get so excited and they whip themselves into a frenzy, two years ago we lost one of our bouncers they just lifted him up over their heads and carried him off. That was it, never saw Tom again”.

Another publican interviewed by WWN was harsh in his appraisal of the leaving cert night patrons that pass through his doors

“I tend to shut the place til midnight by that stage the little animals have tired themselves out and emptied out their stomachs. If there are any stragglers left I beat them away with a big stick. Do you want to see me stick?”