No.5 story of 2011:
450 UN Peacekeepers Sent to Templars Hall
UN Base Camp in Templars Hall
THE United Nations is to send 450 peacekeeping troops to Templars Hall after 45 residents were insulted and hundreds more kept awake in a renewed stand off between students and natives across the housing estate.
According to sources inside the compound, the house parties are believed to be the noisiest since freshers week. Some home owners, who rent their home from the bank, have claimed this morning that students as young as twenty were forincating‘ on thier lawns in a desperate attempt to intimidate them from their homes.
“I will not be forced out of my house by a herd of pornographers!” said long time resident Sarah Hunt.
“I bought this house eight months ago not realising it is the biggest student accommodation site in the city! How was I supposed to predict this carry?
“Its a sad day and age when people have to actually research an area before moving their family into it.”
“Thank God the UN are here. Its about time.” she added.
The Peacekeeping force will be made up of 367 men and 83 women from the 32nd Infantry Battalion and will fly into the troubled estate over the next four days. It is believed a base will be set up on the green area and a team of specially trained negotiators will liaise with both groups in an effort to restore peace, love and harmony between the two factions.
Last night vandals kicked over several wheelie bins in the area, forcing owners to pick them up with their hands. Some students stooped so low as to put traffic cones on their heads and run around aimlessly terrifying residents.
Tesco’s have also reported a surge in shopping trolley thefts from their new store in Ballybeg.
Nato has played down the prospects of renewed conflict, saying the United Nations are committed to keeping the peace and quelling tensions.
Nato spokesperson Hillary Swag said: “At the end of the day, we are dealing with drunken school kids. What could possible go wrong?”
WWN will give an update on the story in the coming week.
Number 4 story of 2011:
Still No Job Offers For Jobless Man Who Advertised Himself on Roof Top With Gun
A WATERFORD man who splashed out €150 on an replica Beretta handgun for a publicity stunt to find a job has still not got any job offers since the incident.
The man ‘staged’ a realistic stand-off for several hours before being arrested by Gardai shortly after 11pm.
Hundreds of potential employers gathered the streets below the apartment block to take notes and briefly analyse the man for future job opportunities.
The ’street sketch’ depicted him standing on the edge of a building with a gun and looking at the crowd below in a threatening manner.
Onlookers claim it was one of the best shows they’ve seen in a long time: “Jaysis t’was great bai! Everyone was shouting and roaring. Some buzz down there so it was. Yer man had us all going bai! If he doesn’t get an acting job after this then I don’t know what to say. Fair City should gobble him up. Amazing performance!” said 54-year-old block layer Martin Lyons.
But the campaign hasn’t paid off yet and the man is still in Garda custody in Ballybricken station until further notice.
A family member said that all Job offers should be posted to ‘Gun-toting man, C/O Waterford Garda station’.
They added that the man didn’t want to release his name yet because he’s worried that his home address will be overwhelmed with mail from employers.
“Following the campaign and the publicity, he has received only one interview, but that was only with local detectives late last night. Hopefully something will pop up for him. He deserves it after all that.” said a close friend.
The social welfare graduate has been out of work since returning last November from a year in Limerick prison.
Number 3 story of 2011:
Government Detaches Unemployed County of Waterford From Mainland in Dramatic New Welfare Cut
THE IRISH government have dramatically detached the entire county of Waterford from the mainland today in a dramatic new welfare cut, saving the country billions of Euros in unemployment benefits and maintenance bills.
The 1,857 km2 landmass was physically detached along its borders and tugged out to se by more than 900 tug boats at 4pm this afternoon. All 113,707 residents of the now independent state of Waterford were given notice of the division earlier this morning via post.
The government decided to act on its decision to ‘cut Waterford off altogether’ after todays shock announcement of another 570 job loses at Talk Talk, a telephone and broadband provider in the city.
Taoiseach Enda Kenny stated he was very sorry for the people of Waterford and added ‘there was nothing else the government could do on the matter’.
“This decision didn’t come over night and it wasn’t easy. For a long time now Waterford has been known as the black sheep of the counties.
“It is the worst affected area in Ireland for unemployment and it was just growing out of control.
“Then we got the news of Talk Talk and we had to act fast.”
“We really had to do something! Its like severing a gangerous leg. You just have to do it.” he added.
Residents on the island of Waterford are now protesting at the governments lack of commitment to the county.
One man spoke to WWN today: ”This is just typical of the Irish government. Just sweep it under the carpet or send it out to sea.
“I am sick to the teeth of Waterford being treated like some kind of red haired step child.
“They don’t even include Waterford City in the weather forecasts for Christ sake.
“The government or the rest of the country don’t give a flying snot about us down here. We might as well just paddle this baby to Spain.
“At least there we’d get proper health care and weather.”
The island of Waterford is now situated 100 miles due south of the mainland. The division ran along the river Suir, controversially leaving north of the river to county Kilkenny.
In a statement today the government said they will continue to employ Gardai, doctors and other civil servants until the 1st of October 2011, giving the new free state three weeks to organise and become self sufficient.
Waterford is also excluded from all national hurling, football and soccer leagues.
Number 2 story of 2011:
Hundreds Raped and Murdered as Reenactment of Viking Invasion Goes Horribly Wrong
NEARLY two hundred and eighty people were raped and another one hundred and forty four were murdered during a reenactment rehearsal of the viking invasion of Waterford City yesterday morning.
As an eerie calm descended on the scorched streets today, distraught survivors recounted a fresh catalogue of horrors committed by local volunteers who just seem to have gotten ‘carried away‘ with their roles.
“I don’t know what happened! They all went cracked and started raping people on the streets for no apparent reason. They were like a pack of horny animals, taking who and what ever they wanted.” said 33-year-old local business man Michael Perkins.
Crowds of violated Waterford men and women, who survived the four-hour ordeal, related a tale of terror at the hands of the would-be Vikings, who were rehearsing the reenactment of the 9th century Viking invasion of Waterford city.
The volunteer group, made up of amateur actors and viking enthusiasts, occupied the Peoples Park at 10am yesterday morning and embarked on a four-hour raping spree in the city and the surrounding area, Gardai said.
‘Nearly all reported rapes were described as having been perpetrated by two to six viking clad men and women, often taking place in broad daylight.’ a Garda spokesman said in a statement today.
‘Large numbers of people reported being physically beaten before the sexual assaults. Many died as a result of the abuse.’
Mark Wallace, a local historian, said rape was common in Viking days, but that this attack was unusual because the people involved in yesterdays reenactment were not actually Vikings at all.
He said: “I haven’t heard of anything like this happening since the Viking era.
“In one respect, the reenactment went very well indeed, but in the other, the unfortunate rape and murder of all those innocent people was probably unnecessary.”
Ardkeen hospital has set up several marquees in the people park to treat people for psychological and physical trauma.
Local aid agencies say it is impossible to give accurate figures on how many people have been sexually assaulted, but the Gardai say over 280 rapes were reported in the city centre alone. However, that figure is expected to rise dramatically as the investigation continues.
30,000 of you read the Number 1 WWN story of 2011:
‘People walking around Park think I’m well hard’, says Topless Young Fella With Gold Chain
A YOUNG TOPLESS man, wearing a gold chain around his neck and gray tracksuit pants said people walking around the park in Waterford today thought he was ‘well hard‘ and vowed to keep bare chested for as long as the sun shines.
The 23-year-old unemployed man, named locally as Patrick ‘Patch’ Hollihan, said nothing made him feel better than intimidating people who were ‘just out for a stroll‘.
“I do be starin’ them out of it boy! Most of them pretend to look at their phones or the ground or something. I does get some fuckin buzz off it boy!
“Then ya get the wankers with the sunglasses on. You wouldn’t know what way their looking. So I fucking ask the cunts ‘WHATCHA YA FUCKING LOOKIN AT FOUR EYES??’
“They nearly shit themselves hahahaha….fuckin clowns boi!”
Patch told WWN he used to work as an apprentice block layer during the boom years but was laid off in 2004 when the contractor he was working for was arrested for fraud and tax evasion.
“I’m happy out now. I don’t have to get up early in the mornings. I’m me own man now. The fuckin dole is great sure.
“If its a nice day, I’ll I does is walk around the town with the lads, shoot some pool or just head to the park with a few cans of dutch.”
Mr. Hollihan went on to say how jealous some of his friends are about his physique.
“The lads do be always slagging me about me muscles, callin me schwarzenegger and tha’! I put in about four days a week trainin’. You’d need to be doin somethin boi!”
During the interview ‘Patch’ spots a small group of boys in school uniform and walks over towards them. As he walks, I notice his feet protrude in an outward motion, his hands flailing from side to side in a very intimidating fashion. It seems he is trying to make himself look bigger. Like some kind of strange bird fluffing its feathers.
He stops in front of the boys and says something inaudible from where I’m sitting. The boys bow their heads and he suddenly gestures forward in a fighting stance. The boys run off.
Patch, chuffed with himself, returns to the bench were I continue to interview him.
I ask him what he said to the young boys.
He replied: “Fucking young fella’s these days boi! I asked them if they were looking for a bit of shmoke and they said they didn’t touch the stuff.
“But it was the way they said it, like they were looking down on me or somethin’. So I told them to get out of my park before I’d break their fucking faces……hahahahaha”
Even Patch’s laugh was intimidating.
He later claimed he was always the ‘hard man‘ of the group and that he would regularly get into fights out-side fast food take-aways and pubs.
“I’m mad I am. You should see me when I get going boi! I’m an animal!”
The young man went on to pity the people in the park who were afraid of him. He then reflected on how it must ‘suck being such a pussy all the time‘, walking around in fear like a molested budgie, hiding behind sunglasses so no one can see ‘their stupid eyes‘.
Mr Hollihan then proceeded to punch his left hand with his right fist.
“I fucking hate them stuck up bitches with their posh tracksuits and their designer shades. You know the deadly lookin ones you’d see jogging around with the pants painted on them. I’d love to.…*makes gyrating pelvic motion*”
“If only they could see the real me. I’m not all that bad boi!” he added.
When the sun eventually gave way to a cloud, Patch put on his tracksuit top and said he had to go because he had to be home at 6 for his supper.
He ended the interview with: “Better go, otherwise the mother will kill me boi!”