HUNDREDS of Irish people may die and thousands more suffer serious bouts of anxiety from watching intimidating animal-flu news bulletins, an expert group of Waterford scientists have warned today.
It recommends that the nation consider abandoning all forms of aggressive news propaganda during such periods and just carry on with their every day lives.
It also says that Ireland must stockpile an anti-bullshit attitude in the event that there is another media outbreak.
The group of medical experts which drafted the report say that it is almost inevitable that another animal-flu pandemic will be blown out of proportion but it is impossible to predict when.
Dr. Colm Williamson, a leading expert on bullshit, stated the average time between each of the last four pandemics was about 5 years.
He said “We’re due another one very soon.
“The flu name will probably relate to some kind of living creature. If I was to put my money on it, I would say fish-flu. We already had bird flu and swine flu. I think a creature from the sea would be a good bet this time.”
He also claimed the current economic climate is harvesting an anti-government mindset and that this alone is good reason for a new media flu outbreak.
“I don’t think the governments of the world have much choice. A good old fashioned flu scare should quench any burning ambitions of revolution.
“It will have to be a good one this time. None of this ‘just old people and young baby crap’. This one will have to put the willies up everyone for it to work properly. ” he added.
The report also says that in the event of another government sponsored media pandemic, television news stations should be declared as infectious diseases under existing laws, requiring all viewers to block them with the aid of their parental controls. This feature can be found by pressing the menu button on the television remote control.
Currently, 24 hour news stations are not a specified infectious disease.